


Leave it to Bieber

by EllOnWheels



Series: The Hilarious Crackhouse of Frightenstein [1]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Justin Bieber (Musician), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Biebs is a douche, But he's a dick about it, Crack, Crack Crossover, Don't get between Tony and his me time, Gen, Tony gives good advice, Tony is a douche, You Have Been Warned, this doesn't show bieber in a positive light
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-01
Updated: 2015-01-01
Packaged: 2018-03-04 19:16:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3084806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EllOnWheels/pseuds/EllOnWheels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony Stark has been kicked out of a lot of bars in his day, but this was his favourite reason why. Even if he was kind of a dick about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Leave it to Bieber

**Author's Note:**

> Crossover crack!fic here. It was late. My mind wandered. These things happen.
> 
> No offense intended toward the Biebs. I don't really care much about him either way. My only solid memories of the kid were when he was about twelve years old, and nobody should be judged by their actions when they're twelve. This was an idea kicked up in a text messages by myself and Dreaming_Egypt. Set a few years ago... Say, post Iron Man II. Beliebers need not apply, because I don't care.
> 
> All mistakes are mine. Except for the intentional ones in the final exchange... You'll see why.

Tony Stark would always consider the best reason he got thrown out of a bar would be the time he did when he was almost completely sober. Whenever JARVIS, or one of his team mates brought the incident up, because the tabloid media hadn't let it go for weeks and nor had they, Tony's nose would crinkle up in a little snicker, and he would mutter "So worth it." and continue about his current activity.

He was well aware of the advantages he'd had in life, excellent schooling, a naturally high intelligence, and a gift for innovation. He didn't consider inheriting the family business as an advantage. He considered it a burden to bear. Tony just wanted to invent. He wanted to come up with things that no would had even dreamed that they hadn't seen before. But to be able to follow that passion, he had to keep the family business going at a degree to support himself. It was hard work, but he'd done it long enough that he could now reap the rewards, and give Pepper a hell of an addition to her resume.

So when the little punk shouted across the bar in L.A. that Tony was nothing but a spoiled rich kid, Tony took moderate umbrage. He recognized the insult for what it was. The little punk was trying to get one over on Tony. He was declaring a pissing contest in the middle of an overpriced bar, that Tony never even would have set foot in, had he not been trying to escape Stark Industries related duties. He still maintained the public face of the company, but be damned if instinct and the flaws of his own personality didn't balk at the idea. He'd been approached by the kid's handlers, asking if he'd take a photo, and Tony had mostly politely refused. He wanted to chill out for a moment with his advisors, before resuming the enormous list of things he had to get done before the next day. But that was not to be, and the petulant child had kicked up a fuss on him. The kind of fuss that could be heard across a spacious, high-end bar in L.A.

Tony knew he should know better. He was a man of consequence, capable and comfortable as a leader in his field. He was the fucking adult in the situation, after all. But Tony didn't like when people failed to recognize just how goddamned hard he'd worked to get to that position. He no longer stood in Howard's shadow. But some idiots hadn't bothered to update their files regarding the achievements of Stark, Anthony, E. in their minds.

Tony had caught a glimpse of the kid, surrounded by a posse of his awkward teenage friends, security, and probably music industry people that were of no importance to Tony. That mere glimpse was all he needed to recognize something that the kid needed. Even Tony had been humbled in his early life by his father. While the tactics used could have been much better, they had made him work harder, made him succeed eventually. But also they'd given him the most critical lesson a budding genius could have. He'd learned how to fail too. Knowing how to deal with failure, and being able to start over, was paramount in the life of an inventor and scientist.

So, Tony figured it was his right, nay his duty, to knock the kid down a peg. At least in a battle of wits. He approached the group of large security guards fearlessly and alone. A few big dudes wearing brand name clothing didn't intimidate someone who had The Hulk for a buddy, no matter where Banner actually was at the moment, Tony simply didn't register the thugs as anything other than insignificant.

"First off, kiddo, I am an adult. I have sex-related stains in my Ferraris that are older than your mom... Second, you didn't exactly work to get to your position. Greedy producers thought you had a face that was marketable enough, to make you just wealthy enough for you to think you matter. Newsflash ankle-biter, you don't. Those teen girls would simply worship the next idiot if your Miley Cyrus looking face wasn't around. Do not fool yourself into thinking your notoriety means you have actual influence in the world, or that your opinion matters."

"The fuck are you saying rich boy?" The kid called from behind the security detail.

"That you're a worthless little shit stain who hides behind big men with guns, and you should quit interrupting while the adults in the room are talking." Tony taunted.

"Fuck you man, you have no idea about me."

"Actually I do. I've seen lovely productions of Shakespeare in the town you grew up in. It's beautiful, and safe, and entirely liveable, probably even for those below the poverty line. You like to think that you had it rough? You have no idea, none at all, what real poverty is. You may as well have been born to a rich industrialist compared to people who really have it hard. Trust me, you'd have ended up with more mental turmoil and hardship if you had. Though when the pundits get hold of the video of this, I will be labelled as entitled and paternalistic... Would you like to download a dictionary app to your phone so you can get all this, kiddo?" The snarky comment was lost on the kid, and he now looked like he might be considering an exit.

"What? Are you going to take off, and tweet about how I'm a dick now? Go ahead. I give zero fucks what you think about me. However, I will give you an actual piece of advice before you go. Get the right people working with the money you have, kid. Because I've pissed away more than you're worth on weekends in Monaco. And when that money dries up, it's all over, and you're back to playing drums on the kitchen chairs again... Unless, and it's a big unless, because you have small talent and few actual people skills, you start really working. You will not be so fresh faced and cute for much longer. Soon enough, even the soccer moms won't want to bother fucking you." Tony said. It was the kid's turn to get offended and his expression soured. Tony smirked at him, because there was no reason to show actual compassion when he was the one who'd been insulted first. He continued talking, a mile a minute, before the kid could get a word in edgewise.

"However, if you get smart, learn from the people who got you this far, you might just make yourself a comfortable living cultivating the next idiot little girls scream for. In your industry, the real money is not in being the star. The real money is being in the guy who put the star on stage. The guy who came up with the thing that has people shelling out their hard earned cash, will be the real winner. I assure you kid, people are making a shit ton of money off of you, and you don't even know how they're doing it. Learn to manage your money. Take agency of your life. Stop fucking it up by being a shit head. Your dickishness will not be tolerated past age 23 or so. People don't want their pop stars to be assholes. Not a good example for the kids, you see... I've been where you are in regards to social life. It will get old. And you will get old. But growing up means something pretty cool. It means you get the chance to make something of your own. And no amount of free pussy or meaningless adulation will compare."

"You motherfucking asshole." The kid shouted. Tony remained calm, and kept his little smirk.

"Well, your mom is sorta bangable, I guess. You share her effeminate features. I'd probably hit it if I was wasted enough... You know, if it wouldn't end with a shot of penicillin and me having to shave my pubes for reasons of general hygiene... Then again, socialized medicine up there in Canada... It might be more of an option. I'd need to see her vaccination record though I think beforehand. Can't be too careful."

That was when the kid lunged for him. The security guards were almost on their game, and managed to keep him from actually getting to Tony. But even as they hauled the kid down and away, it was clear to the surrounding crowd that Tony hadn't budged an inch from where he stood. He hadn't so much as flinched or blinked.

"Spoiled rich kids act out. Men stand their ground." Tony said loudly enough to be heard. Tony remained exactly where he stood, until the bar's head of security came up and laid a hand on his shoulder. "Oh for fuck sake, I didn't do anything. I'm not even drunk." He said to the security guy who was paid well enough to buy a decent suit.

"I'm sorry Mr. Stark. You are causing a disturbance. We have to ask you to leave... I really am sorry." He said.

"Yeah yeah yeah. I'll give you a nice tip if you give me a minute." Tony said. He refused to be moved just for a moment. That moment was all it took for the kid's security to haul him out of the main area of the bar, and towards a rear exit. The security guard let it slide, and when the kid was out of sight, Tony turned to him, his expression amiable. "So, do I get to at least make it look like I'm leaving of my own free will, or do you need to physically manhandle me out to the sidewalk? I should also probably settle up my tab before I get tossed in a heap outside."

"Come with me, Mr. Stark. We'll get you sorted." The security guard said with a laugh. The firm way he took hold of Tony's arm though, meant he was going to be entirely thorough about his job. Still, as Tony was summarily led toward the exit, he smiled and waved for the countless phones that were recording the incident for posterity.

 

_Later on the innertoobz:_

@justinbieber: @Iron_Man you need some positivity in your life bro. #GetHelpBro

@Iron_Man: @justinbieber like using social media to put a self-serving, POSITIVE spin on your childish actions? Grow up. Go away. I have things to do.

@justinbieber: @Iron_Man all I wanted was a pic with you bro.

@Iron_Man: @justinbieber I am definitely not your bro. Your grandpa, maybe. Would you hit your grandpa for a pic with him? Because you tried to hit me.

@justinbieber: @Iron_Man dude you talked smack about my mom. nobody is allowed to talk about my mom like that. #Nobody

@Iron_Man: @justinbieber You started it & truth hurts, kiddo. Sorry you didn't learn that life lesson earlier. #GTG #ThingsToDo #YourMom #NeverSayNever

@justinbieber: @Iron_Man What is your problem dude? #StayPositive

@Iron_Man: @justinbieber No thanks, I prefer to keep all my electrons.

@justinbieber: what you talking about @Iron_Man?

@Iron_Man: @justinbieber *sigh* okay, small words for the kiddo...

@Iron_Man: @justinbieber My problem is that I was minding my own business, & you decided to try & pick a fight with a guy who's not intimidated by you.

@justinbieber: @Iron_Man I was just playing. Your a hero to me. #WhySoSerious

@Iron_Man: The hell you say @justinbieber. I doubt I'm your hero. I just called you on your self-serving behavior. #GrowUpKiddo #ItsMoreProfitable

@justinbieber: @Iron_Man your a bad example. kids look up to you and your really cruel.

@Iron_Man: @justinbieber Better to say shitty things & be a hero than take credit for being a hero & do shitty things. #GoGetThatDamnMonkeyYouAbandoned

@Iron_Man: @justinbieber Seriously, I still have an A.I. robot I made when I was your age, and it still lives in my house. #LearnSomeResponsibility

@Iron_Man: @justinbieber Even if the thing does try to blow up my workshop & poison me with motor oil smoothies. #IgnoreThat #SentimentalValue

@Iron_Man: @justinbieber Outta gas already, kiddo? Geez, I have a million things done already today, a million more to do, and you're falling behind.

@Iron_Man: HA! Blocked by @justinbieber! A job well done imho. Now, back to saving the world. #BetterThingsToDo #AdulthoodFTW

-End


End file.
